Will’s Thoughts On Tips To Survive Menopause.

During menopause, a woman’s ovaries stop making eggs and they produce less estrogen and progesterone. Changes in these hormones cause menopause symptoms. In man speak, that translates to “Run Forrest. Run Forrest, run!” It is the biological time of a woman’s life when she is most dangerous. Her intellect is peaking, her self awareness is off the charts, and her body is refusing to cooperate with any of the experts. To this lethal cocktail, add a racing heart (NOT due to your sexy body), hot flashes which bring about sudden cryogenic changes to your lifestyle, and a decreased sex drive (is that even humanly possible?). Menopausal mood swings, including irritability, depression and anxiety, provide the perfect recipe for home grown prairie oysters, and can transform your romantic advances into a full-fledged hockey brawl.

For men who have not experienced their spouse going through menopause yet, it’s kind of like living in Disneyland. In the morning, Snow White’s meaner than a pirate from the Caribbean, yet when the phone rings, she talks like Tinkerbell. All afternoon she is Cruella Deville, and at bedtime, she is Sleeping Beauty. Yep, from the time she wakes, to the time she begins to make ‘feminine nasal noises’, it’s like she becomes each of the seven dwarfs, though she seems to heavily favor Grumpy. For her additional entertainment, she seems to love scaring the begeezus out of me at night by pretending to be asleep when I get up to use the washroom. When I am done, I quietly approach the bed, doing my best not to disturb her. As I slowly and gently pull the covers back, lifting my leg to carefully slip into bed, in her ‘wide awake’ voice she says, “Did you wash your hands?” Assuring ‘The Shadow’ that I did, while peeling myself off the ceiling before defibrillating myself, I can almost see her smirking as she lays in the dark.

Due to menopause’s ‘hot flashes’, our house is so cold (how cold is it?) ice water becomes an ice cube, and foreign governments have asked to rent our living room for seed storage. When the exterior of our home is viewed with an infrared camera during the winter, it’s blue, and the snow on the roof and in the yard shows up red. In the summer I amuse myself by leaving the back door open to let bugs in. It’s awesome to watch the flying ones make it about ten feet into the house before their little wings ice up, tiny lungs freeze and their flight controls seize. Crawling insects make it about five inches before becoming ‘bugsicles’. When our relatives visit, they all know to wear cold weather survival gear, and Queen Arctica giggles at every yelp when a bare butt hits a toilet seat.

I don’t know what menopause is like for women, but it’s my opinion that for men, it’s about as fun as doing intensive aerobics in barbed wire underwear, while gargling peanut butter and whacking our toes with a hammer. I reckon the one thing that menopause sure ain’t, is boring. Yep, menopause is challenging at times, but it’s all part and parcel of loving each other, and I reckon it’s a fitting revenge for decades of cramps, irritability and bloating she had during ‘that time of the month’.

Will’s thoughts prove that everybody has opinions, but he has way more than he should. From dogs that won’t stop barking, to the antics of his spouse, ‘Crazy Lady’, Will’s Thoughts will make you smile.